Archive for May, 2009

this city really is sinking…

Posted in foreshadowing, glory in the overlooked, guilt in the serenity, paranoia on May 31, 2009 by tony saputo

as the day grows more and more distant i cannnot help but confront these small insignificant thoughts and accept them:

the fucker who can prove me right again and again
the woman who wanted my mouth and heart to stay shut
the unreachable person who understands love through and through
the times of waste that i cannot help but love
the vision of summer snow, reminding me what it used to mean just a year ago
the fleeting of friends, the sustain of family
knowing blood does not really matter
being loved
loving those who deserve it
remembering the lists made in grass drunk on 2 bottles of wine
feeling completely confident that there is no turning back
the saltwater burning my open wounds
the punches that landed
the 4 year old child i let go away
the 4 year old child i will protect with everything i have
the knowing and reverence of the disconnect
proud to not be like you
hating you for not being like me
hating you for the wallowing of ignorance, greed, irresponsibility, sloppy drunkenness, malice, shit-thin pride just to lean into playing the martyr.
the fools of this city
and the large iridescent mouth that moves them all around

i am proud to never know you again
and this beat, this tracking path
is not for you

we are simply not the same
and as much of a dick i may be
everything i have said is very real.

i just have to accept how much better i have become
better than most
but not good enough quite yet.

give me every challenge
i am scared of nothing and am ready to be the most dangerous person you have ever known…

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do you like being here?

Posted in butterflies envy this on May 31, 2009 by tony saputo

yesterday i was asked by one of the sweetest smiles ever if i liked being here…
i misinterpreted the question and quickly said yes
she smiled even sweeter and said, “no, i meant saint louis.”

i smiled back and kind of chuckled…

expulsion/creation

Posted in lost in these purposes and collecting ours, paranoia, what day is it on May 25, 2009 by tony saputo

it would seem strongly ironic that i am here to say this
but i digress:

i have been working on something new for quite awhile
shoving everything i love in a box,
keeping it away from the poison of this city, of this world, of these words
and soon

i will put myself in and seal the last opening
never to be known
and all that will be left is a monster
never caring, never showing the world who i ever was
motions and flesh aside, all i will ever be
is a ghost waiting his turn

finally

Posted in exploding heart, foreshadowing on May 10, 2009 by tony saputo

last night i stared out the open window
and counted all my downfalls
whether i deserve this world or not is no longer something i am certain of

the sirens come down the alleyway
quick fallen footsteps dance whispers of the guilty and i cannot help but to search for them
looking for the culprits my blood boils and pushes me over the edge

i close my eyes and let the fall take me in
i impact the rocks and lie still with dirt and grass wedged into my teeth
silently and still, i move 1000 miles per second away from here, away from everywhere…

the ground is not cold but the warm welcome of a motherly embrace
the air is a still, soothing whistle, calling me by name and soul
the sounds escape and everything turns to colors.

every love lost slips through my fingers again
as i receive the pain of every welt and bruise ever given to me all over
the faces i hated swarm my vision and a red hot glare combines it all  to the trauma

realizing that this me dying i accept and prepare for whatever some assholes in robes call the other side
my last thought subsides and rests into what you people call a brain

a longing soul, a broken down concept and heart, a velocity of anger and hatred, and the wish that someone was here to see me go, someone i loved…